The last three posts are old posts from about 4 years ago that I've finally put up. What I find most exciting and hopeful about them is that they show how much more settled I feel than when I wrote them. As I have grown older, the rawness I had inside has turned into a beautiful settledness and peace inside, and I know that with age I'll feel even more settled and alive.
I'd like to be able to show people the hope there is in life and that Christianity is a bastion of hope. More properly, the Bible is a bastion of hope, for many see Christianity as a sign of a repression, something that God never meant Christianity to be.
As humans, somehow we have a tendency to look for the negative and to hurt each other. We have a tendency to set up competing religions, belief systems, and to separate people from each other through various types of prejudice. As much as I and the Bible talk about hope, sometimes it seems that believing in hope goes against the zeitgeist of human history.
BUT, GOD is remarkable, for the zeitgeist of human history goes against him, but somehow he will win! But in the in-between time we are in now, it is tempting to blame God for the evil going on in our world. Indeed, I came dangerously close to doing this myself a few posts ago. But the truth is that the in-between time we are in now is very small compared to the time we shall spend in heaven and that part of the reason God tolerates the great evil humans produce is because this unperfect world forces us to yearn for something better. Heaven. The death of my son has made heaven seem much closer than ever before. The inequalities of today show us that better is coming. God is real and is in charge. There is more than hope for the future, but in fact CERTAINTY.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Hope and healing
Tonight I write this article by the light of a small, almost yellow, beeswax candle with a pure white flame, filled with emotion as I remember the night that I was date-raped.
I see a white candle and I see the purity I lost that day. No, not the purity of virginity, but an almost deeper purity, a sense of protective naiveté that was lost, a feeling of terror, and an feeling of loss of control, as if the universe was against me.
I realize that it is too dark to see by my one almost white, beeswax candle, and so I add a red candle, which symbolizes love, and a candle in a beautiful box, which symbolizes the beauty and healing in my heart that came later.
I realize that even in the aftermath of great pain came great beauty, a re-arranged life, and a finding of a higher calling. Somehow, suddenly but yet slowly, there was healing in my heart. Life was restored, and often, but not always, my faith in fellow mankind is restored.
Now, I see again the beauty of nature. During my great time of trial and trouble, nature was merely an escape, something I knew intimately as I began to worship nature. Now I see the beauty of God's creation beckoning me outdoors to see God's hand.
Recovering from such a traumatic experience is difficult and many never see a full recovery. Part of my new, higher calling is to let people know that recovery is possible. It is no longer necessary to be mired in that black pit, but instead there is a way out, a way back to a sense of normalcy and trust in others.
Occasionally now I feel that I am tempting fate by walking right after dark in my own neighborhood, but I walk after dark because I must enjoy nature and because I am no longer bound by fear.
Nowhere is it said that this type of recovery is easy, but then again, life is both very easy and very difficult. For me, it was a relentless striving for healing and to get away from that bottom I'd hit several years later. I went through counseling with several counselors, group therapy, and seminary, and finally it came. But even then, I was still bound by what had happened. It was only when I stopped focusing on it and became a mother that I really felt free. Now I am finally at the point where my biggest fear is what other people will think when I talk about my past. I've realized, most of the time at least, that God's given me a story and an understanding of people's circumstances for a reason.
At one time, before the healing came, I said I was no longer bound by fear, but then it was a passivity, a sense of uncaring what happened to me, an almost reveling in the darkness. Now I glory in the light and in the new life that God has given me, a life much better than the one I had before I was raped.
Now, instead my negative and depressed outlook has changed completely. It is as the old Irish blessing:
May the road rise to meet you
May the wind be always at your back
May the sun shine warm upon your face
the rain fall soft upon your fields
And until we meet again may God hold in the palm of his hand.
I see a white candle and I see the purity I lost that day. No, not the purity of virginity, but an almost deeper purity, a sense of protective naiveté that was lost, a feeling of terror, and an feeling of loss of control, as if the universe was against me.
I realize that it is too dark to see by my one almost white, beeswax candle, and so I add a red candle, which symbolizes love, and a candle in a beautiful box, which symbolizes the beauty and healing in my heart that came later.
I realize that even in the aftermath of great pain came great beauty, a re-arranged life, and a finding of a higher calling. Somehow, suddenly but yet slowly, there was healing in my heart. Life was restored, and often, but not always, my faith in fellow mankind is restored.
Now, I see again the beauty of nature. During my great time of trial and trouble, nature was merely an escape, something I knew intimately as I began to worship nature. Now I see the beauty of God's creation beckoning me outdoors to see God's hand.
Recovering from such a traumatic experience is difficult and many never see a full recovery. Part of my new, higher calling is to let people know that recovery is possible. It is no longer necessary to be mired in that black pit, but instead there is a way out, a way back to a sense of normalcy and trust in others.
Occasionally now I feel that I am tempting fate by walking right after dark in my own neighborhood, but I walk after dark because I must enjoy nature and because I am no longer bound by fear.
Nowhere is it said that this type of recovery is easy, but then again, life is both very easy and very difficult. For me, it was a relentless striving for healing and to get away from that bottom I'd hit several years later. I went through counseling with several counselors, group therapy, and seminary, and finally it came. But even then, I was still bound by what had happened. It was only when I stopped focusing on it and became a mother that I really felt free. Now I am finally at the point where my biggest fear is what other people will think when I talk about my past. I've realized, most of the time at least, that God's given me a story and an understanding of people's circumstances for a reason.
At one time, before the healing came, I said I was no longer bound by fear, but then it was a passivity, a sense of uncaring what happened to me, an almost reveling in the darkness. Now I glory in the light and in the new life that God has given me, a life much better than the one I had before I was raped.
Now, instead my negative and depressed outlook has changed completely. It is as the old Irish blessing:
May the road rise to meet you
May the wind be always at your back
May the sun shine warm upon your face
the rain fall soft upon your fields
And until we meet again may God hold in the palm of his hand.
On Assertiveness, Date rape and Growing Up
“The rules” for Dating.
When I was date raped 11 years ago, one of my favorite teachers from High School told me that it was my fault – all for being in the room alone with the guy. I wasn’t the assertive young woman that I am now. In my particular situation, if I hadn’t been so scared, it might not have happened. Now, I work in a male-dominated profession and am often the only women around. Last year, when talk around me became too risqué, I talked to my boss about it and it stopped.
Something changed within me, and I transformed from a scared young woman to someone who is willing to lead groups and to work comfortably around men. During a long, often slow and painful process of therapy, learning about myself and God, and learning from positive and negative experiences, I became more and more self-confident and assertive.
Assertiveness sometimes gets a bad rap because people equate it with bossiness or with sexual forwardness. However, true assertiveness is standing up for what you believe is right, and implies a deep understanding of oneself and ones femininity or masculinity. Therefore, true self confidence and assertiveness also includes determining one's beliefs through self-exploration and then living according to those principals instead of simply doing what is expedient.
Looking back at my experience, I am very angry about several stereotypes and common mis-beliefs and myths . One is that rape isn’t recoverable. Many people, and often, tragically, the victim, believe that an individual who has been raped will never be back in “the zone” again. The truth is that bad experiences, including sexual ones, can be transformed into a stepping-stone for personal growth. I am not saying that the experience is desirable, or that it is something to be sought after, but only that it can become a catalyst for personal growth to help an individual change his her life and environment.
Second, no matter what the woman did or did not do, she did not ask for it. In date rape situations, there are a few extreme cases where the victim's conduct is strange or “out there”, but even in these situations, she did not ask for it.
Third, both partners have a responsibility to communicate fairly and clearly to attempt to prevent these situations. If either person doesn’t want to have sex, he or she needs to say so and to say it clearly. Communicating clearly includes following up on small hesitations and unclear attempts to say no. Everyone needs to learn to communicate more clearly; it isn’t the responsibility of only men or women. Perhaps clear communication could have helped prevent the Kobe Bryant case.
However, often men don’t seem to understand no. Sometimes assertiveness and self-confidence building can help woman with this. This can include taking classes in self-defense, a good internship or other experience that helps women and men build self-confidence, or going to therapy. These experiences can also help men.
Men also have intuition and can benefit from self-confidence builders which will help them listen to their intuition, while of course men and women can benefit from learning deeper communication techniques.
But sometimes it seems that there are men who are incapable of understanding that the woman has said no. With some men, a women says no, but it seems as if there is a wall keeping the man from understanding. The only thing a woman can do here is to listen to her intuition, a valuable inner gift often strengthened as self confidence and assertiveness increases. One assertive solution, a common sense one, is to have the guts within oneself to not date or go home with a certain guy. Believe it or not, some women have trouble with this!
Finally, some men take not understanding to the extreme and use a “date rape drug”. For this situation, I can only offer the same advice that I offered above. Be careful who you go out with. Be careful what parties you go to. If your intuition tells you to get out, do it!
But unfortunately, it is impossible to completely eliminate date rape by following these techniques. While the possibility of date rape can be greatly diminished, things still happen. Then comes a deep, dark valley for the woman involved. A woman’s shattered self-confidence is gradually re-built through the help of friends, counselors, and most importantly, the woman herself. Then, there is the potential for the woman to move beyond what happened, although never forgetting it. Now, the woman's life has changed forever as is she is mounting a beautiful mountain summit above the deep valley of pain below.
However, no woman deserves the great pain involved in recovery, a mounting of a different mountain summit than they would have without the experience. We must use our community to prevent these experiences. The community presents many obstacles to developing assertiveness and to using assertiveness as a gift.
As a nation and as a world, we are experiencing a seismic shift in our beliefs about women. We are beginning to put women in roles they have never been in before. As women, new opportunities are opening up around us almost daily. But often the old beliefs and stereotypes persist and can cause these new opportunities to become almost curses. Many times women are afraid to be assertive because these believe old mis-beliefs. Therefore, we have a responsibility, each and every one of us, to work for change. We must not only become assertive ourselves, but we must also use our assertiveness to help others.
So, what does the assertive woman do to help solve this problem? The assertive woman asks for changes in a non-judgmental, often private, way. For instance, I could have gone back to that teacher later and gently told him how I felt he could re-evaluate what he believes. For me, though, it was too late, as he died a year or two ago.
Second, the assertive woman works to change public opinion. For me, a part of this is writing this article. For you, it might be running for congress, working in a rape-counseling center, writing a letter to the editor, or simply bringing up children, male and female, with good values and attitudes toward women.
Privately, the assertive woman also evaluates her own life experiences, including any date-rape experiences, to see what needs to change in her life. She needs to determine if she needs to learn to communicate better in relationships as well as any other behaviors that could be giving men the wrong idea. This is not blaming the woman, but is instead a part of transforming life experiences and using one's past to prevent difficulties in the future.
I remember one of the few men in the class of Rape counselors I was in and his reaction when asked why he was choosing to be a Rape Counselor. He said, “Hey, I am a man, but my wife is a woman, my daughter is a women, and I have many women who are my friends. I believed that I needed to do something for them.” He’s right. We all have a responsibility to work together to make the world a safer place.
When I was date raped 11 years ago, one of my favorite teachers from High School told me that it was my fault – all for being in the room alone with the guy. I wasn’t the assertive young woman that I am now. In my particular situation, if I hadn’t been so scared, it might not have happened. Now, I work in a male-dominated profession and am often the only women around. Last year, when talk around me became too risqué, I talked to my boss about it and it stopped.
Something changed within me, and I transformed from a scared young woman to someone who is willing to lead groups and to work comfortably around men. During a long, often slow and painful process of therapy, learning about myself and God, and learning from positive and negative experiences, I became more and more self-confident and assertive.
Assertiveness sometimes gets a bad rap because people equate it with bossiness or with sexual forwardness. However, true assertiveness is standing up for what you believe is right, and implies a deep understanding of oneself and ones femininity or masculinity. Therefore, true self confidence and assertiveness also includes determining one's beliefs through self-exploration and then living according to those principals instead of simply doing what is expedient.
Looking back at my experience, I am very angry about several stereotypes and common mis-beliefs and myths . One is that rape isn’t recoverable. Many people, and often, tragically, the victim, believe that an individual who has been raped will never be back in “the zone” again. The truth is that bad experiences, including sexual ones, can be transformed into a stepping-stone for personal growth. I am not saying that the experience is desirable, or that it is something to be sought after, but only that it can become a catalyst for personal growth to help an individual change his her life and environment.
Second, no matter what the woman did or did not do, she did not ask for it. In date rape situations, there are a few extreme cases where the victim's conduct is strange or “out there”, but even in these situations, she did not ask for it.
Third, both partners have a responsibility to communicate fairly and clearly to attempt to prevent these situations. If either person doesn’t want to have sex, he or she needs to say so and to say it clearly. Communicating clearly includes following up on small hesitations and unclear attempts to say no. Everyone needs to learn to communicate more clearly; it isn’t the responsibility of only men or women. Perhaps clear communication could have helped prevent the Kobe Bryant case.
However, often men don’t seem to understand no. Sometimes assertiveness and self-confidence building can help woman with this. This can include taking classes in self-defense, a good internship or other experience that helps women and men build self-confidence, or going to therapy. These experiences can also help men.
Men also have intuition and can benefit from self-confidence builders which will help them listen to their intuition, while of course men and women can benefit from learning deeper communication techniques.
But sometimes it seems that there are men who are incapable of understanding that the woman has said no. With some men, a women says no, but it seems as if there is a wall keeping the man from understanding. The only thing a woman can do here is to listen to her intuition, a valuable inner gift often strengthened as self confidence and assertiveness increases. One assertive solution, a common sense one, is to have the guts within oneself to not date or go home with a certain guy. Believe it or not, some women have trouble with this!
Finally, some men take not understanding to the extreme and use a “date rape drug”. For this situation, I can only offer the same advice that I offered above. Be careful who you go out with. Be careful what parties you go to. If your intuition tells you to get out, do it!
But unfortunately, it is impossible to completely eliminate date rape by following these techniques. While the possibility of date rape can be greatly diminished, things still happen. Then comes a deep, dark valley for the woman involved. A woman’s shattered self-confidence is gradually re-built through the help of friends, counselors, and most importantly, the woman herself. Then, there is the potential for the woman to move beyond what happened, although never forgetting it. Now, the woman's life has changed forever as is she is mounting a beautiful mountain summit above the deep valley of pain below.
However, no woman deserves the great pain involved in recovery, a mounting of a different mountain summit than they would have without the experience. We must use our community to prevent these experiences. The community presents many obstacles to developing assertiveness and to using assertiveness as a gift.
As a nation and as a world, we are experiencing a seismic shift in our beliefs about women. We are beginning to put women in roles they have never been in before. As women, new opportunities are opening up around us almost daily. But often the old beliefs and stereotypes persist and can cause these new opportunities to become almost curses. Many times women are afraid to be assertive because these believe old mis-beliefs. Therefore, we have a responsibility, each and every one of us, to work for change. We must not only become assertive ourselves, but we must also use our assertiveness to help others.
So, what does the assertive woman do to help solve this problem? The assertive woman asks for changes in a non-judgmental, often private, way. For instance, I could have gone back to that teacher later and gently told him how I felt he could re-evaluate what he believes. For me, though, it was too late, as he died a year or two ago.
Second, the assertive woman works to change public opinion. For me, a part of this is writing this article. For you, it might be running for congress, working in a rape-counseling center, writing a letter to the editor, or simply bringing up children, male and female, with good values and attitudes toward women.
Privately, the assertive woman also evaluates her own life experiences, including any date-rape experiences, to see what needs to change in her life. She needs to determine if she needs to learn to communicate better in relationships as well as any other behaviors that could be giving men the wrong idea. This is not blaming the woman, but is instead a part of transforming life experiences and using one's past to prevent difficulties in the future.
I remember one of the few men in the class of Rape counselors I was in and his reaction when asked why he was choosing to be a Rape Counselor. He said, “Hey, I am a man, but my wife is a woman, my daughter is a women, and I have many women who are my friends. I believed that I needed to do something for them.” He’s right. We all have a responsibility to work together to make the world a safer place.
The story of my first client as a therapist in training
I hadn’t been too worried about getting my first client as a therapist in training until that evening when I found out his name. It was the same name as that of a man who had date-raped me six years before. I felt frozen inside, almost violated again, and even more insecure than I had been with the idea of having my first professional counseling experience videotaped. I'd know that at some point I’d have to counsel a man with that name, but I didn’t think it would be soon. Here I was, supposed to be counseling someone from the University’s Introduction to Psychology class, a student who simply wanted extra credit, but instead it was something else entirely.
Soon, of course, I got to know this young man as we spent twelve sessions together, and I found the experience soothing yet troubling. The young man was very gentle and tender, and almost boy-like, which made me feel less anxious, but with time I saw disturbing tendencies as he told me about his life, such as the times had set small fires, broken into buildings, and done other things that made me believe that there was a good chance he had a personality disorder. This made it even more difficult for me to accept his as he was.
But slowly, with time, acceptance came. I learned, over and over again, that this man was not the one that had hurt me and was not responsible for what had happened. I began to accept him as a unique individual and even marvel at the circumstances he'd escaped to become the first in his family to go to college. I realized that his troubles were his own, not those of the man who'd raped me, and I realized that I was a competent young woman able to influence others who didn't need to be troubled by the past.
I still remember him, now again, for the unknowing role he played in helping me get over some awful feelings, and I know that from time to time he remembers me.
Soon, of course, I got to know this young man as we spent twelve sessions together, and I found the experience soothing yet troubling. The young man was very gentle and tender, and almost boy-like, which made me feel less anxious, but with time I saw disturbing tendencies as he told me about his life, such as the times had set small fires, broken into buildings, and done other things that made me believe that there was a good chance he had a personality disorder. This made it even more difficult for me to accept his as he was.
But slowly, with time, acceptance came. I learned, over and over again, that this man was not the one that had hurt me and was not responsible for what had happened. I began to accept him as a unique individual and even marvel at the circumstances he'd escaped to become the first in his family to go to college. I realized that his troubles were his own, not those of the man who'd raped me, and I realized that I was a competent young woman able to influence others who didn't need to be troubled by the past.
I still remember him, now again, for the unknowing role he played in helping me get over some awful feelings, and I know that from time to time he remembers me.
Monday, May 26, 2008
Canary in a Coal Mine
I was the canary in the coal mine.
Growing up it seemed that black was black and white was white -
For everyone but me that was.
Somehow everything I did was wrong.
I was the bad kid - even though I didn't
smoke pot
drink
have sex
or do any of the things "bad kids" do.
Somehow my parents saw everything I did as wrong
from the time I took a shower, to the times I started practicing Oboe 5 minutes late -
at 6:30 am instead of 6:35.
I didn't like myself much
but felt I had to stand up for myself
and my brothers and sisters
How would I make the world a better place?
How could I save my brother and sister from the mayhem?
How could I make the world a better place for them?
Everyone told me it was only a few more years until I went to college-
but it seemed like an eternity to me.
God was never near to me-
except for the day I almost tried to kill myself-
And he told me to go back to sleep
things would be better in the morning
College up on the Sound was liberating
I could do my own thing and no one cared
Except when I was failing 3 of 7 classes
halfway through first semester
I wasn't going back to the chaos at home
so somehow I passed
Up on the Sound I felt liberated in my badness
I did it all except the weed and harder drugs
But still no peace.
Being good didn't satisfy
and being bad didn't either.
Little me, playing Oboe all the time
a goody two shoes
even when my parents wouldn't admit it
didn't satisfy-
but neither did the alcohol or sex
I was at a loss.
I talk about the answer elsewhere
in my writings
God is the Answer!
He gives us a true liberation
Not the false liberation
of drugs, sex and alcohol.
He's made me whole indeed.
Love has shown me the way
the love of God
a love with I show others
starting with my husband and daughter
A love that brings me even through terrible losses,
death of a child and much more
thank you God.
Growing up it seemed that black was black and white was white -
For everyone but me that was.
Somehow everything I did was wrong.
I was the bad kid - even though I didn't
smoke pot
drink
have sex
or do any of the things "bad kids" do.
Somehow my parents saw everything I did as wrong
from the time I took a shower, to the times I started practicing Oboe 5 minutes late -
at 6:30 am instead of 6:35.
I didn't like myself much
but felt I had to stand up for myself
and my brothers and sisters
How would I make the world a better place?
How could I save my brother and sister from the mayhem?
How could I make the world a better place for them?
Everyone told me it was only a few more years until I went to college-
but it seemed like an eternity to me.
God was never near to me-
except for the day I almost tried to kill myself-
And he told me to go back to sleep
things would be better in the morning
College up on the Sound was liberating
I could do my own thing and no one cared
Except when I was failing 3 of 7 classes
halfway through first semester
I wasn't going back to the chaos at home
so somehow I passed
Up on the Sound I felt liberated in my badness
I did it all except the weed and harder drugs
But still no peace.
Being good didn't satisfy
and being bad didn't either.
Little me, playing Oboe all the time
a goody two shoes
even when my parents wouldn't admit it
didn't satisfy-
but neither did the alcohol or sex
I was at a loss.
I talk about the answer elsewhere
in my writings
God is the Answer!
He gives us a true liberation
Not the false liberation
of drugs, sex and alcohol.
He's made me whole indeed.
Love has shown me the way
the love of God
a love with I show others
starting with my husband and daughter
A love that brings me even through terrible losses,
death of a child and much more
thank you God.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Being Good isn't enough, and isn't as much fun as being bad, but neither satisfy
I used to have this strong drive inside and believed that sexuality, casual sex, drinking and such like would lead to the peace I needed. I didn’t know why I felt this way, but the feelings were very strong. It drove me on and on no matter what. I thought there was more to life but couldn't find it. Finally I dropped into a hole so deep I didn't think I would ever come out.
Growing up I also felt I was the good child and that I was better than everyone else. I looked down on everyone else, but inside my imperfections tore at me, and I still wasn't good enough. It was slowly driving me crazy. Finally, I realized I was no different than everyone else. I was alone inside and there was no way I could be who I wanted to be. Even being good wouldn’t do it.
Finally someone explained something important to me from the Bible. I never realized that the Bible said that none of us are as good as we should be, and none of us meets our own personal standards. Somehow there is still a hole deep inside of each of us, a black spot from which it seems we will never be able to escape. Instead, we retreat deep inside, becoming neurotic, worrying, and trying to escape from ourselves.
God has given us the truth about ourselves and about him, but instead, in our retreat from ourselves, we forget the truth that is revealed in nature and lose ourselves in idols of self, things, materialism and hedonism. It’s a circular trap from which we cannot escape on our own.
Since we cannot escape on our own, there is only one way of escape, Jesus Christ, the one way. We must trust him to bring us out of this dilemma and into his light. We must accept that Jesus, through his sacrifice on the cross, can bring the gap between who we are and who we should be. Who we should be is like Jesus, for Jesus is the only prophet who is identical to his message.
Somehow, God gives us the HOPE to reconcile the desires of our "dark side" with the light. Somehow, when we come to Jesus, he enables us to have the desires of our hearts. The things that we had wanted in a dark and twisted way somehow are transformed. JOY comes! Life is no longer a bifurcation between goodness and badness.
Growing up I also felt I was the good child and that I was better than everyone else. I looked down on everyone else, but inside my imperfections tore at me, and I still wasn't good enough. It was slowly driving me crazy. Finally, I realized I was no different than everyone else. I was alone inside and there was no way I could be who I wanted to be. Even being good wouldn’t do it.
Finally someone explained something important to me from the Bible. I never realized that the Bible said that none of us are as good as we should be, and none of us meets our own personal standards. Somehow there is still a hole deep inside of each of us, a black spot from which it seems we will never be able to escape. Instead, we retreat deep inside, becoming neurotic, worrying, and trying to escape from ourselves.
God has given us the truth about ourselves and about him, but instead, in our retreat from ourselves, we forget the truth that is revealed in nature and lose ourselves in idols of self, things, materialism and hedonism. It’s a circular trap from which we cannot escape on our own.
Since we cannot escape on our own, there is only one way of escape, Jesus Christ, the one way. We must trust him to bring us out of this dilemma and into his light. We must accept that Jesus, through his sacrifice on the cross, can bring the gap between who we are and who we should be. Who we should be is like Jesus, for Jesus is the only prophet who is identical to his message.
Somehow, God gives us the HOPE to reconcile the desires of our "dark side" with the light. Somehow, when we come to Jesus, he enables us to have the desires of our hearts. The things that we had wanted in a dark and twisted way somehow are transformed. JOY comes! Life is no longer a bifurcation between goodness and badness.
The Girlfriend's Guide to Marriage - Book Proposal
The girlfriends guide to Marriage
Looking back at this blog entry that I wrote 8 months ago and didn't publish until now, I see how much better my life has gotten in the last 8 months. Things really DO get better! Maybe someday I can change this into a full book proposal...
The dishes need washing and the house needs cleaning. I don’t have enough time for my daughter. My daughter is telling her teacher – in front of the class and all the parents at Meet the Teacher – that her brother died. Instead of being there to comfort her and instead of being there for her first day of 1st grade, I’m on an airplane and a baby cries loudly. While the parents are busy trying to get the baby to quiet down, I wish I had a baby even if it was crying, or even if it had a skull fracture as the baby I met at church on Sunday did. Sometimes it seems I’m doing everything I can to support my family, at the cost of my family’s emotional needs. In the middle of my chaos, I look down below me and see the waves on a river, and instead of the usual chaos of waves breaking, from 10,000 feet I see peace and a beautiful pattern where somehow the pieces fit together.
After a bad pregnancy and a baby who died, my husband doesn’t ever want to get pregnant again. In fact, he wants to get a vasectomy. I know that someday I’ll want another, but since the death was only 6 months ago, someday doesn’t look like anytime soon.
Like most other career women, type A if you will, I make more than my husband and currently he is looking for a job. Add to that the stress of a recent death, my daughter’s surgery, and a bad pregnancy, and anyone would feel overwhelmed.
And how do I deal with the internal pressures I place on myself? How do I persuade myself that I don’t have to be everything to everybody (and myself) all of the time? Why do I make myself feel guilty that I haven’t published my “great American novel” yet?
In addition, somehow my personality says that I must write. For me, writing makes the world seem a much happier place and a page a day truly does take the worry away!
Then there’s graduate school. I’ve got to do one thing that is just for me in this life, and that’s getting that Ph.D. that’s been eluding me for 11 years. That is of course the other thing that is just for me. But how is one to find time with a full time career and a family still recovering from a death? But somehow, the alternative, to keep doing what I am doing, seems almost worse.
While my situation is an extreme example, I’m constantly amazed at the number of women I know, of varying socio-economic levels, who make some or all of the money for their families. It’s a stress that we are not meant to carry, but somehow, we are so busy caring for those we love that we spend all of our time working and not caring. What’s a girlfriend (you) to do and how can your friends help? How to help without crossing boundaries and running someone else’s life?
Yes, right now writing about my life almost makes me exhausted and thinking about my work definitely does, but I do believe there are concrete solutions to the problem. There’s a way to achieve something that at least approaches balance, and for some there might even be a way to live on your spouse’s income. Life’s a journey and somehow we learn to take the curve balls with grace. How do I put this into place? Piece by piece of course!
Here's my chapter by chapter layout of a book on the stress us career women face and about marriage:
Chapter 1 – Curing overwhelmedness
- This is the summary to get you started
- Change your internal track. Do you worry all the time? What internal pressures do you place on yourself?
- Do one thing at a time. We all think we can multi-task, but let’s be honest please!
- Don’t worry, meditate
- Pray for your husband. Let go and let God.
Chapter 2 – What makes you you? What do you have to do to be you: your vision plan.
Okay, what do you really want out of life? What do you want to do with your life? What are all of the balls that you want to balance? Here are what I and many others would consider the essentials:
Kids / family / husband
Career
Friends/ Social / church / social activism (maybe)
The things you love to do
Future aspirations: writing, school
Self care: sleep, showers, relaxing, exercise
Take your time to exercise. Okay, I’m going to go now and exercise...
Chapter 3 – The Constrained plan: how are we going to get there?
What if, after pairing down your vision plan, it seems that everything you have to do is required and none of it is extra? How do you balance it all?
How do I live life intentionally without sacrificing relaxing and myself?
Chapter 4 – What are your personal weaknesses? What lies do you believe?
- I exist and have value
- I exist separately from other people
- I am unique
- I can change my future and present traits. I have the ability to remember, understand and learn from the past and present.
- I can plan my future.
- I can choose what I enjoy over what I do not enjoy.
- I do not have to produce to be loved. Conversely, producing and achieving does not make more loveable, not even to myself.
- I do not have the right to run anyone else’s right. Conversely no other human has the right to run my life.
- If I set my focus in the right place, I am more likely to be happy (more about this later). Setting my focus on heaven may accomplish this. I can monitor and observe my own thoughts, feelings and actions to help myself thrive.
- I can keep myself reasonably free of pain.
- I can balance short-term and long-term goals.
- I love myself and I love others. This love is not dependent on what I or others do, but instead on innate value from God. I do not have to succeed in order to like myself.
- I am not a superhuman, but sometimes I do have to apply principles to life to get what has to be done done.
- I will not let depression or anxiety get in the way of my goals and of problem solving. I must think clearly.
Chapter 5 – The ABC’s of time Management: Delegate, organize, prioritize
While I don’t believe that time management is the be all, end all, a certain degree of time management is absolutely essential. Without time management, it is easy to have multiple lists of things to be done and not accomplish any of them!
Chapter 6 – Don’t worry be happy! (Take time for you, do one thing at a time, don’t sweat the small stuff – and it’s all small stuff) Will it really matter in 5 years?
Chapter 7 - Communicate with your allies, don’t fight them.
Chapter 8 – Marriage - A picture of God through unconditional love of self and others. Acceptance doesn’t always look like we think it does, though.
Keeping your marriage together
Chapter 9 – Divorce
What can I say here? Is there such a thing as the good divorce? I doubt it, but it is something many of us have to strive for.
Rules of child-raising by divorced parents:
Parents do not get the kid on their side
Parents do not fight in front of the child
Parents have a united front when it comes to discipline
Parents do what is best for the children, not for them. In many cases, this means trying to stay together if you are considering separation.
Chapter 10 - Family of Origin: you and your husband
Chapter 11 - Your husband. Building him up and helping him with his vision and constrained plan. Understanding your husband and his masculinity
Chapter 12 - Children. They are not just mini-adults
Chapter 13 - Dealing with Life’s curve balls: death, job losses, surgeries
Chapter 14 - Financial fire drill: cutting back, earning more, and financial catastrophes
Becoming a one wage earner family.
Chapter 15 - Making Good decisions: take your time.
Research shows…
How to make a good decision then? Consider your biases…
Chapter 16 - Good Boundaries: not too elastic or rigid
Chapter 17 - Additional Resources
Delegate, organize and prioritize, take time for you, do only one thing at a time, communicate, build up your husband, don’t be overwhelmed (think about one thing at a time, change your internal track to what you want it to be, not what life hands you, don’t worry, meditate) Where does your anxiety come from (your family of origin), give your husband a chance to be a man, don’t fight your husband, make him your ally. Living on one income and financial fire drills, dealing with life’s emotional curve balls. Make good decisions and not spur of the moment ones.
Looking back at this blog entry that I wrote 8 months ago and didn't publish until now, I see how much better my life has gotten in the last 8 months. Things really DO get better! Maybe someday I can change this into a full book proposal...
The dishes need washing and the house needs cleaning. I don’t have enough time for my daughter. My daughter is telling her teacher – in front of the class and all the parents at Meet the Teacher – that her brother died. Instead of being there to comfort her and instead of being there for her first day of 1st grade, I’m on an airplane and a baby cries loudly. While the parents are busy trying to get the baby to quiet down, I wish I had a baby even if it was crying, or even if it had a skull fracture as the baby I met at church on Sunday did. Sometimes it seems I’m doing everything I can to support my family, at the cost of my family’s emotional needs. In the middle of my chaos, I look down below me and see the waves on a river, and instead of the usual chaos of waves breaking, from 10,000 feet I see peace and a beautiful pattern where somehow the pieces fit together.
After a bad pregnancy and a baby who died, my husband doesn’t ever want to get pregnant again. In fact, he wants to get a vasectomy. I know that someday I’ll want another, but since the death was only 6 months ago, someday doesn’t look like anytime soon.
Like most other career women, type A if you will, I make more than my husband and currently he is looking for a job. Add to that the stress of a recent death, my daughter’s surgery, and a bad pregnancy, and anyone would feel overwhelmed.
And how do I deal with the internal pressures I place on myself? How do I persuade myself that I don’t have to be everything to everybody (and myself) all of the time? Why do I make myself feel guilty that I haven’t published my “great American novel” yet?
In addition, somehow my personality says that I must write. For me, writing makes the world seem a much happier place and a page a day truly does take the worry away!
Then there’s graduate school. I’ve got to do one thing that is just for me in this life, and that’s getting that Ph.D. that’s been eluding me for 11 years. That is of course the other thing that is just for me. But how is one to find time with a full time career and a family still recovering from a death? But somehow, the alternative, to keep doing what I am doing, seems almost worse.
While my situation is an extreme example, I’m constantly amazed at the number of women I know, of varying socio-economic levels, who make some or all of the money for their families. It’s a stress that we are not meant to carry, but somehow, we are so busy caring for those we love that we spend all of our time working and not caring. What’s a girlfriend (you) to do and how can your friends help? How to help without crossing boundaries and running someone else’s life?
Yes, right now writing about my life almost makes me exhausted and thinking about my work definitely does, but I do believe there are concrete solutions to the problem. There’s a way to achieve something that at least approaches balance, and for some there might even be a way to live on your spouse’s income. Life’s a journey and somehow we learn to take the curve balls with grace. How do I put this into place? Piece by piece of course!
Here's my chapter by chapter layout of a book on the stress us career women face and about marriage:
Chapter 1 – Curing overwhelmedness
- This is the summary to get you started
- Change your internal track. Do you worry all the time? What internal pressures do you place on yourself?
- Do one thing at a time. We all think we can multi-task, but let’s be honest please!
- Don’t worry, meditate
- Pray for your husband. Let go and let God.
Chapter 2 – What makes you you? What do you have to do to be you: your vision plan.
Okay, what do you really want out of life? What do you want to do with your life? What are all of the balls that you want to balance? Here are what I and many others would consider the essentials:
Kids / family / husband
Career
Friends/ Social / church / social activism (maybe)
The things you love to do
Future aspirations: writing, school
Self care: sleep, showers, relaxing, exercise
Take your time to exercise. Okay, I’m going to go now and exercise...
Chapter 3 – The Constrained plan: how are we going to get there?
What if, after pairing down your vision plan, it seems that everything you have to do is required and none of it is extra? How do you balance it all?
How do I live life intentionally without sacrificing relaxing and myself?
Chapter 4 – What are your personal weaknesses? What lies do you believe?
- I exist and have value
- I exist separately from other people
- I am unique
- I can change my future and present traits. I have the ability to remember, understand and learn from the past and present.
- I can plan my future.
- I can choose what I enjoy over what I do not enjoy.
- I do not have to produce to be loved. Conversely, producing and achieving does not make more loveable, not even to myself.
- I do not have the right to run anyone else’s right. Conversely no other human has the right to run my life.
- If I set my focus in the right place, I am more likely to be happy (more about this later). Setting my focus on heaven may accomplish this. I can monitor and observe my own thoughts, feelings and actions to help myself thrive.
- I can keep myself reasonably free of pain.
- I can balance short-term and long-term goals.
- I love myself and I love others. This love is not dependent on what I or others do, but instead on innate value from God. I do not have to succeed in order to like myself.
- I am not a superhuman, but sometimes I do have to apply principles to life to get what has to be done done.
- I will not let depression or anxiety get in the way of my goals and of problem solving. I must think clearly.
Chapter 5 – The ABC’s of time Management: Delegate, organize, prioritize
While I don’t believe that time management is the be all, end all, a certain degree of time management is absolutely essential. Without time management, it is easy to have multiple lists of things to be done and not accomplish any of them!
Chapter 6 – Don’t worry be happy! (Take time for you, do one thing at a time, don’t sweat the small stuff – and it’s all small stuff) Will it really matter in 5 years?
Chapter 7 - Communicate with your allies, don’t fight them.
Chapter 8 – Marriage - A picture of God through unconditional love of self and others. Acceptance doesn’t always look like we think it does, though.
Keeping your marriage together
Chapter 9 – Divorce
What can I say here? Is there such a thing as the good divorce? I doubt it, but it is something many of us have to strive for.
Rules of child-raising by divorced parents:
Parents do not get the kid on their side
Parents do not fight in front of the child
Parents have a united front when it comes to discipline
Parents do what is best for the children, not for them. In many cases, this means trying to stay together if you are considering separation.
Chapter 10 - Family of Origin: you and your husband
Chapter 11 - Your husband. Building him up and helping him with his vision and constrained plan. Understanding your husband and his masculinity
Chapter 12 - Children. They are not just mini-adults
Chapter 13 - Dealing with Life’s curve balls: death, job losses, surgeries
Chapter 14 - Financial fire drill: cutting back, earning more, and financial catastrophes
Becoming a one wage earner family.
Chapter 15 - Making Good decisions: take your time.
Research shows…
How to make a good decision then? Consider your biases…
Chapter 16 - Good Boundaries: not too elastic or rigid
Chapter 17 - Additional Resources
Delegate, organize and prioritize, take time for you, do only one thing at a time, communicate, build up your husband, don’t be overwhelmed (think about one thing at a time, change your internal track to what you want it to be, not what life hands you, don’t worry, meditate) Where does your anxiety come from (your family of origin), give your husband a chance to be a man, don’t fight your husband, make him your ally. Living on one income and financial fire drills, dealing with life’s emotional curve balls. Make good decisions and not spur of the moment ones.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Hi!
Hello everyone, this is my place to talk about life, both my life as a mother, at work and as a author. I am at work on my first novel and I face the same things everyone seems to face... insecurity that I can do it... fear of publishing my short stories that I have already written... finding time to write.... Some of my ideas that I will get across in my book, plus some short stories, will be tried out here.
My other major interests are what makes a person human. There is the psychological perspective, the theological perspective, neuroscience, sociology (e.g., man in society), as well as perspectives from the arts and humanities. I would like to talk about all of them.
Thirdly at work I face many issues as I do research. Work has its own set of issues as a manager and technically. We will talk about that here.
I'm working on a graduate degree in psychology, even though it seems as if everyone in the world is doing so. That's another topic for discussion.
Finally, I want to talk about life and about what is normal. So often we take our feelings and judge ourselves for them, when in actuality they are a part of our phase in life. For instance, for many new college graduates, having a first boss in a professional job can be extremely stressful. In face, until I was about 30 I lived in fear that I would have to tell my boss I had made a mistake and that something terrible would happen... now I know that bosses are there for when you make mistakes and that often telling them right away is the right thing to do.
That's all for today. Love!
My other major interests are what makes a person human. There is the psychological perspective, the theological perspective, neuroscience, sociology (e.g., man in society), as well as perspectives from the arts and humanities. I would like to talk about all of them.
Thirdly at work I face many issues as I do research. Work has its own set of issues as a manager and technically. We will talk about that here.
I'm working on a graduate degree in psychology, even though it seems as if everyone in the world is doing so. That's another topic for discussion.
Finally, I want to talk about life and about what is normal. So often we take our feelings and judge ourselves for them, when in actuality they are a part of our phase in life. For instance, for many new college graduates, having a first boss in a professional job can be extremely stressful. In face, until I was about 30 I lived in fear that I would have to tell my boss I had made a mistake and that something terrible would happen... now I know that bosses are there for when you make mistakes and that often telling them right away is the right thing to do.
That's all for today. Love!
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