Canary in a Coal Mine

I was the canary in the coal mine.
Growing up it seemed that black was black and white was white -
For everyone but me that was.
Somehow everything I did was wrong.
I was the bad kid - even though I didn't
smoke pot
drink
have sex
or do any of the things "bad kids" do.
Somehow my parents saw everything I did as wrong
from the time I took a shower, to the times I started practicing Oboe 5 minutes late -
at 6:30 am instead of 6:35.
I didn't like myself much
but felt I had to stand up for myself
and my brothers and sisters
How would I make the world a better place?
How could I save my brother and sister from the mayhem?
How could I make the world a better place for them?

Everyone told me it was only a few more years until I went to college-
but it seemed like an eternity to me.
God was never near to me-
except for the day I almost tried to kill myself-
And he told me to go back to sleep
things would be better in the morning

College up on the Sound was liberating
I could do my own thing and no one cared
Except when I was failing 3 of 7 classes
halfway through first semester
I wasn't going back to the chaos at home
so somehow I passed

Up on the Sound I felt liberated in my badness
I did it all except the weed and harder drugs
But still no peace.

Being good didn't satisfy
and being bad didn't either.
Little me, playing Oboe all the time
a goody two shoes
even when my parents wouldn't admit it
didn't satisfy-
but neither did the alcohol or sex
I was at a loss.

I talk about the answer elsewhere
in my writings
God is the Answer!
He gives us a true liberation
Not the false liberation
of drugs, sex and alcohol.

He's made me whole indeed.
Love has shown me the way
the love of God
a love with I show others
starting with my husband and daughter
A love that brings me even through terrible losses,
death of a child and much more
thank you God.