The last three posts are old posts from about 4 years ago that I've finally put up. What I find most exciting and hopeful about them is that they show how much more settled I feel than when I wrote them. As I have grown older, the rawness I had inside has turned into a beautiful settledness and peace inside, and I know that with age I'll feel even more settled and alive.
I'd like to be able to show people the hope there is in life and that Christianity is a bastion of hope. More properly, the Bible is a bastion of hope, for many see Christianity as a sign of a repression, something that God never meant Christianity to be.
As humans, somehow we have a tendency to look for the negative and to hurt each other. We have a tendency to set up competing religions, belief systems, and to separate people from each other through various types of prejudice. As much as I and the Bible talk about hope, sometimes it seems that believing in hope goes against the zeitgeist of human history.
BUT, GOD is remarkable, for the zeitgeist of human history goes against him, but somehow he will win! But in the in-between time we are in now, it is tempting to blame God for the evil going on in our world. Indeed, I came dangerously close to doing this myself a few posts ago. But the truth is that the in-between time we are in now is very small compared to the time we shall spend in heaven and that part of the reason God tolerates the great evil humans produce is because this unperfect world forces us to yearn for something better. Heaven. The death of my son has made heaven seem much closer than ever before. The inequalities of today show us that better is coming. God is real and is in charge. There is more than hope for the future, but in fact CERTAINTY.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Hope and healing
Tonight I write this article by the light of a small, almost yellow, beeswax candle with a pure white flame, filled with emotion as I remember the night that I was date-raped.
I see a white candle and I see the purity I lost that day. No, not the purity of virginity, but an almost deeper purity, a sense of protective naiveté that was lost, a feeling of terror, and an feeling of loss of control, as if the universe was against me.
I realize that it is too dark to see by my one almost white, beeswax candle, and so I add a red candle, which symbolizes love, and a candle in a beautiful box, which symbolizes the beauty and healing in my heart that came later.
I realize that even in the aftermath of great pain came great beauty, a re-arranged life, and a finding of a higher calling. Somehow, suddenly but yet slowly, there was healing in my heart. Life was restored, and often, but not always, my faith in fellow mankind is restored.
Now, I see again the beauty of nature. During my great time of trial and trouble, nature was merely an escape, something I knew intimately as I began to worship nature. Now I see the beauty of God's creation beckoning me outdoors to see God's hand.
Recovering from such a traumatic experience is difficult and many never see a full recovery. Part of my new, higher calling is to let people know that recovery is possible. It is no longer necessary to be mired in that black pit, but instead there is a way out, a way back to a sense of normalcy and trust in others.
Occasionally now I feel that I am tempting fate by walking right after dark in my own neighborhood, but I walk after dark because I must enjoy nature and because I am no longer bound by fear.
Nowhere is it said that this type of recovery is easy, but then again, life is both very easy and very difficult. For me, it was a relentless striving for healing and to get away from that bottom I'd hit several years later. I went through counseling with several counselors, group therapy, and seminary, and finally it came. But even then, I was still bound by what had happened. It was only when I stopped focusing on it and became a mother that I really felt free. Now I am finally at the point where my biggest fear is what other people will think when I talk about my past. I've realized, most of the time at least, that God's given me a story and an understanding of people's circumstances for a reason.
At one time, before the healing came, I said I was no longer bound by fear, but then it was a passivity, a sense of uncaring what happened to me, an almost reveling in the darkness. Now I glory in the light and in the new life that God has given me, a life much better than the one I had before I was raped.
Now, instead my negative and depressed outlook has changed completely. It is as the old Irish blessing:
May the road rise to meet you
May the wind be always at your back
May the sun shine warm upon your face
the rain fall soft upon your fields
And until we meet again may God hold in the palm of his hand.
I see a white candle and I see the purity I lost that day. No, not the purity of virginity, but an almost deeper purity, a sense of protective naiveté that was lost, a feeling of terror, and an feeling of loss of control, as if the universe was against me.
I realize that it is too dark to see by my one almost white, beeswax candle, and so I add a red candle, which symbolizes love, and a candle in a beautiful box, which symbolizes the beauty and healing in my heart that came later.
I realize that even in the aftermath of great pain came great beauty, a re-arranged life, and a finding of a higher calling. Somehow, suddenly but yet slowly, there was healing in my heart. Life was restored, and often, but not always, my faith in fellow mankind is restored.
Now, I see again the beauty of nature. During my great time of trial and trouble, nature was merely an escape, something I knew intimately as I began to worship nature. Now I see the beauty of God's creation beckoning me outdoors to see God's hand.
Recovering from such a traumatic experience is difficult and many never see a full recovery. Part of my new, higher calling is to let people know that recovery is possible. It is no longer necessary to be mired in that black pit, but instead there is a way out, a way back to a sense of normalcy and trust in others.
Occasionally now I feel that I am tempting fate by walking right after dark in my own neighborhood, but I walk after dark because I must enjoy nature and because I am no longer bound by fear.
Nowhere is it said that this type of recovery is easy, but then again, life is both very easy and very difficult. For me, it was a relentless striving for healing and to get away from that bottom I'd hit several years later. I went through counseling with several counselors, group therapy, and seminary, and finally it came. But even then, I was still bound by what had happened. It was only when I stopped focusing on it and became a mother that I really felt free. Now I am finally at the point where my biggest fear is what other people will think when I talk about my past. I've realized, most of the time at least, that God's given me a story and an understanding of people's circumstances for a reason.
At one time, before the healing came, I said I was no longer bound by fear, but then it was a passivity, a sense of uncaring what happened to me, an almost reveling in the darkness. Now I glory in the light and in the new life that God has given me, a life much better than the one I had before I was raped.
Now, instead my negative and depressed outlook has changed completely. It is as the old Irish blessing:
May the road rise to meet you
May the wind be always at your back
May the sun shine warm upon your face
the rain fall soft upon your fields
And until we meet again may God hold in the palm of his hand.
On Assertiveness, Date rape and Growing Up
“The rules” for Dating.
When I was date raped 11 years ago, one of my favorite teachers from High School told me that it was my fault – all for being in the room alone with the guy. I wasn’t the assertive young woman that I am now. In my particular situation, if I hadn’t been so scared, it might not have happened. Now, I work in a male-dominated profession and am often the only women around. Last year, when talk around me became too risqué, I talked to my boss about it and it stopped.
Something changed within me, and I transformed from a scared young woman to someone who is willing to lead groups and to work comfortably around men. During a long, often slow and painful process of therapy, learning about myself and God, and learning from positive and negative experiences, I became more and more self-confident and assertive.
Assertiveness sometimes gets a bad rap because people equate it with bossiness or with sexual forwardness. However, true assertiveness is standing up for what you believe is right, and implies a deep understanding of oneself and ones femininity or masculinity. Therefore, true self confidence and assertiveness also includes determining one's beliefs through self-exploration and then living according to those principals instead of simply doing what is expedient.
Looking back at my experience, I am very angry about several stereotypes and common mis-beliefs and myths . One is that rape isn’t recoverable. Many people, and often, tragically, the victim, believe that an individual who has been raped will never be back in “the zone” again. The truth is that bad experiences, including sexual ones, can be transformed into a stepping-stone for personal growth. I am not saying that the experience is desirable, or that it is something to be sought after, but only that it can become a catalyst for personal growth to help an individual change his her life and environment.
Second, no matter what the woman did or did not do, she did not ask for it. In date rape situations, there are a few extreme cases where the victim's conduct is strange or “out there”, but even in these situations, she did not ask for it.
Third, both partners have a responsibility to communicate fairly and clearly to attempt to prevent these situations. If either person doesn’t want to have sex, he or she needs to say so and to say it clearly. Communicating clearly includes following up on small hesitations and unclear attempts to say no. Everyone needs to learn to communicate more clearly; it isn’t the responsibility of only men or women. Perhaps clear communication could have helped prevent the Kobe Bryant case.
However, often men don’t seem to understand no. Sometimes assertiveness and self-confidence building can help woman with this. This can include taking classes in self-defense, a good internship or other experience that helps women and men build self-confidence, or going to therapy. These experiences can also help men.
Men also have intuition and can benefit from self-confidence builders which will help them listen to their intuition, while of course men and women can benefit from learning deeper communication techniques.
But sometimes it seems that there are men who are incapable of understanding that the woman has said no. With some men, a women says no, but it seems as if there is a wall keeping the man from understanding. The only thing a woman can do here is to listen to her intuition, a valuable inner gift often strengthened as self confidence and assertiveness increases. One assertive solution, a common sense one, is to have the guts within oneself to not date or go home with a certain guy. Believe it or not, some women have trouble with this!
Finally, some men take not understanding to the extreme and use a “date rape drug”. For this situation, I can only offer the same advice that I offered above. Be careful who you go out with. Be careful what parties you go to. If your intuition tells you to get out, do it!
But unfortunately, it is impossible to completely eliminate date rape by following these techniques. While the possibility of date rape can be greatly diminished, things still happen. Then comes a deep, dark valley for the woman involved. A woman’s shattered self-confidence is gradually re-built through the help of friends, counselors, and most importantly, the woman herself. Then, there is the potential for the woman to move beyond what happened, although never forgetting it. Now, the woman's life has changed forever as is she is mounting a beautiful mountain summit above the deep valley of pain below.
However, no woman deserves the great pain involved in recovery, a mounting of a different mountain summit than they would have without the experience. We must use our community to prevent these experiences. The community presents many obstacles to developing assertiveness and to using assertiveness as a gift.
As a nation and as a world, we are experiencing a seismic shift in our beliefs about women. We are beginning to put women in roles they have never been in before. As women, new opportunities are opening up around us almost daily. But often the old beliefs and stereotypes persist and can cause these new opportunities to become almost curses. Many times women are afraid to be assertive because these believe old mis-beliefs. Therefore, we have a responsibility, each and every one of us, to work for change. We must not only become assertive ourselves, but we must also use our assertiveness to help others.
So, what does the assertive woman do to help solve this problem? The assertive woman asks for changes in a non-judgmental, often private, way. For instance, I could have gone back to that teacher later and gently told him how I felt he could re-evaluate what he believes. For me, though, it was too late, as he died a year or two ago.
Second, the assertive woman works to change public opinion. For me, a part of this is writing this article. For you, it might be running for congress, working in a rape-counseling center, writing a letter to the editor, or simply bringing up children, male and female, with good values and attitudes toward women.
Privately, the assertive woman also evaluates her own life experiences, including any date-rape experiences, to see what needs to change in her life. She needs to determine if she needs to learn to communicate better in relationships as well as any other behaviors that could be giving men the wrong idea. This is not blaming the woman, but is instead a part of transforming life experiences and using one's past to prevent difficulties in the future.
I remember one of the few men in the class of Rape counselors I was in and his reaction when asked why he was choosing to be a Rape Counselor. He said, “Hey, I am a man, but my wife is a woman, my daughter is a women, and I have many women who are my friends. I believed that I needed to do something for them.” He’s right. We all have a responsibility to work together to make the world a safer place.
When I was date raped 11 years ago, one of my favorite teachers from High School told me that it was my fault – all for being in the room alone with the guy. I wasn’t the assertive young woman that I am now. In my particular situation, if I hadn’t been so scared, it might not have happened. Now, I work in a male-dominated profession and am often the only women around. Last year, when talk around me became too risqué, I talked to my boss about it and it stopped.
Something changed within me, and I transformed from a scared young woman to someone who is willing to lead groups and to work comfortably around men. During a long, often slow and painful process of therapy, learning about myself and God, and learning from positive and negative experiences, I became more and more self-confident and assertive.
Assertiveness sometimes gets a bad rap because people equate it with bossiness or with sexual forwardness. However, true assertiveness is standing up for what you believe is right, and implies a deep understanding of oneself and ones femininity or masculinity. Therefore, true self confidence and assertiveness also includes determining one's beliefs through self-exploration and then living according to those principals instead of simply doing what is expedient.
Looking back at my experience, I am very angry about several stereotypes and common mis-beliefs and myths . One is that rape isn’t recoverable. Many people, and often, tragically, the victim, believe that an individual who has been raped will never be back in “the zone” again. The truth is that bad experiences, including sexual ones, can be transformed into a stepping-stone for personal growth. I am not saying that the experience is desirable, or that it is something to be sought after, but only that it can become a catalyst for personal growth to help an individual change his her life and environment.
Second, no matter what the woman did or did not do, she did not ask for it. In date rape situations, there are a few extreme cases where the victim's conduct is strange or “out there”, but even in these situations, she did not ask for it.
Third, both partners have a responsibility to communicate fairly and clearly to attempt to prevent these situations. If either person doesn’t want to have sex, he or she needs to say so and to say it clearly. Communicating clearly includes following up on small hesitations and unclear attempts to say no. Everyone needs to learn to communicate more clearly; it isn’t the responsibility of only men or women. Perhaps clear communication could have helped prevent the Kobe Bryant case.
However, often men don’t seem to understand no. Sometimes assertiveness and self-confidence building can help woman with this. This can include taking classes in self-defense, a good internship or other experience that helps women and men build self-confidence, or going to therapy. These experiences can also help men.
Men also have intuition and can benefit from self-confidence builders which will help them listen to their intuition, while of course men and women can benefit from learning deeper communication techniques.
But sometimes it seems that there are men who are incapable of understanding that the woman has said no. With some men, a women says no, but it seems as if there is a wall keeping the man from understanding. The only thing a woman can do here is to listen to her intuition, a valuable inner gift often strengthened as self confidence and assertiveness increases. One assertive solution, a common sense one, is to have the guts within oneself to not date or go home with a certain guy. Believe it or not, some women have trouble with this!
Finally, some men take not understanding to the extreme and use a “date rape drug”. For this situation, I can only offer the same advice that I offered above. Be careful who you go out with. Be careful what parties you go to. If your intuition tells you to get out, do it!
But unfortunately, it is impossible to completely eliminate date rape by following these techniques. While the possibility of date rape can be greatly diminished, things still happen. Then comes a deep, dark valley for the woman involved. A woman’s shattered self-confidence is gradually re-built through the help of friends, counselors, and most importantly, the woman herself. Then, there is the potential for the woman to move beyond what happened, although never forgetting it. Now, the woman's life has changed forever as is she is mounting a beautiful mountain summit above the deep valley of pain below.
However, no woman deserves the great pain involved in recovery, a mounting of a different mountain summit than they would have without the experience. We must use our community to prevent these experiences. The community presents many obstacles to developing assertiveness and to using assertiveness as a gift.
As a nation and as a world, we are experiencing a seismic shift in our beliefs about women. We are beginning to put women in roles they have never been in before. As women, new opportunities are opening up around us almost daily. But often the old beliefs and stereotypes persist and can cause these new opportunities to become almost curses. Many times women are afraid to be assertive because these believe old mis-beliefs. Therefore, we have a responsibility, each and every one of us, to work for change. We must not only become assertive ourselves, but we must also use our assertiveness to help others.
So, what does the assertive woman do to help solve this problem? The assertive woman asks for changes in a non-judgmental, often private, way. For instance, I could have gone back to that teacher later and gently told him how I felt he could re-evaluate what he believes. For me, though, it was too late, as he died a year or two ago.
Second, the assertive woman works to change public opinion. For me, a part of this is writing this article. For you, it might be running for congress, working in a rape-counseling center, writing a letter to the editor, or simply bringing up children, male and female, with good values and attitudes toward women.
Privately, the assertive woman also evaluates her own life experiences, including any date-rape experiences, to see what needs to change in her life. She needs to determine if she needs to learn to communicate better in relationships as well as any other behaviors that could be giving men the wrong idea. This is not blaming the woman, but is instead a part of transforming life experiences and using one's past to prevent difficulties in the future.
I remember one of the few men in the class of Rape counselors I was in and his reaction when asked why he was choosing to be a Rape Counselor. He said, “Hey, I am a man, but my wife is a woman, my daughter is a women, and I have many women who are my friends. I believed that I needed to do something for them.” He’s right. We all have a responsibility to work together to make the world a safer place.
The story of my first client as a therapist in training
I hadn’t been too worried about getting my first client as a therapist in training until that evening when I found out his name. It was the same name as that of a man who had date-raped me six years before. I felt frozen inside, almost violated again, and even more insecure than I had been with the idea of having my first professional counseling experience videotaped. I'd know that at some point I’d have to counsel a man with that name, but I didn’t think it would be soon. Here I was, supposed to be counseling someone from the University’s Introduction to Psychology class, a student who simply wanted extra credit, but instead it was something else entirely.
Soon, of course, I got to know this young man as we spent twelve sessions together, and I found the experience soothing yet troubling. The young man was very gentle and tender, and almost boy-like, which made me feel less anxious, but with time I saw disturbing tendencies as he told me about his life, such as the times had set small fires, broken into buildings, and done other things that made me believe that there was a good chance he had a personality disorder. This made it even more difficult for me to accept his as he was.
But slowly, with time, acceptance came. I learned, over and over again, that this man was not the one that had hurt me and was not responsible for what had happened. I began to accept him as a unique individual and even marvel at the circumstances he'd escaped to become the first in his family to go to college. I realized that his troubles were his own, not those of the man who'd raped me, and I realized that I was a competent young woman able to influence others who didn't need to be troubled by the past.
I still remember him, now again, for the unknowing role he played in helping me get over some awful feelings, and I know that from time to time he remembers me.
Soon, of course, I got to know this young man as we spent twelve sessions together, and I found the experience soothing yet troubling. The young man was very gentle and tender, and almost boy-like, which made me feel less anxious, but with time I saw disturbing tendencies as he told me about his life, such as the times had set small fires, broken into buildings, and done other things that made me believe that there was a good chance he had a personality disorder. This made it even more difficult for me to accept his as he was.
But slowly, with time, acceptance came. I learned, over and over again, that this man was not the one that had hurt me and was not responsible for what had happened. I began to accept him as a unique individual and even marvel at the circumstances he'd escaped to become the first in his family to go to college. I realized that his troubles were his own, not those of the man who'd raped me, and I realized that I was a competent young woman able to influence others who didn't need to be troubled by the past.
I still remember him, now again, for the unknowing role he played in helping me get over some awful feelings, and I know that from time to time he remembers me.
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