On Contemplation, death and dying

Contemplation. Just sit and contemplate that word for a moment. Contemplation is the work of a moment while simultaneously being the work of a lifetime. Contemplation is something done intentionally in the spare moments of life, as well as in planned moments of life. Contemplation gives our life a sense of order and sometimes even a sense of purpose by helping us toward peace and towards relaxing.
So, then, why is it so hard? Right now, at 30 weeks pregnant, I find myself being afraid to look into the future, afraid to imagine myself holding a babe in my arms, afraid of a repeat of the terrible loss of the last pregnancy, where my husband and I held our baby as he died a day after his birth.
So right now, you can say I am afraid of contemplation, even though I’ve preached the importance of contemplation to others since contemplation and spirituality helped me get through the death of my wee one almost two years ago.
Somehow I am afraid to imagine good times coming. It is as if I am afraid to hold the pain – or the joy – close and instead I try to pretend that there is no end to the pregnancy, and no coming life change of either a healthy girl or the dreadful alternative.
My entire life I’ve heard the importance of having a relationship with God and the various ways to keep up the relationship, but few have addressed the “dark night of the soul” of the time spent wandering and wondering what will happen. The truth is that everyone faces these times to some degree or another, and being a Christian, or indeed, a member of any religion, does not shield us from these times.
So why is it that as human beings we are so invested in pretending these times don’t happen? Is my asking this question about humanity in general myself, once again, avoiding the issue, hiding behind intellectualism? Why are we afraid to sit with the pain and instead see pain as an enemy? Why is death the great enemy, when for the Christian it is to be a marvelous beginning?